Catholic Perspective on Love, Relationships and Chastity

by least_of_the_apostles

As a young woman in my 20's striving for holiness in the context of this modern world, I naturally had lots of questions surrounding dating and chastity. As I searched every (wholesome) corner of the internet looking for Catholic wisdom on the topic, I came across so much more information that gave context to having a relationship. This post is an amalgamation of all the content that gave me insight into romantic relationships and living these out in a way that fulfills God's purpose for our lives.

LOVE  

Father Mike Schmitz, in his video on “Learning How to Love from the Bible” says that “love is a self-gift”. He theorises that the reason for the fall (original sin committed by Adam and Eve) was that they did not truly love. They both desired self-preservation and the pleasure of eating the fruit without any sacrifice. He continues to theorise that the reason that God gave Eve the pains of childbirth and Adam the need to toil to receive fruit from the ground was so that they could learn that love costs something. He also points out that Jesus loved us so much, unto death on the cross. Father Mike concludes by acknowledging that there is great joy and fulfilment in love, but that sacrifice is always attached. “Love to be real, it must cost—it must hurt—it must empty us of self.” – St. Teresa of Calcutta

Human beings were made in the image and likeness of God. God is “an eternal exchange of love” and, as such, we were made for love and to love.

CCC 1766 states “to love is to will the good of another”. According to Catholic Bible 101, love may be manifested as a feeling, an attraction or “chemistry” but the real definition of love is to want the absolute best for someone. The site then specifies that this “absolute best” is eternal happiness in heaven with Jesus Christ. It goes on to explain that Jesus showed us all that love requires personal sacrifice on our part.

"To love is to be given and given means to limit their freedom to the benefit of another. The limitation of freedom could be in itself something negative and unpleasant, but love does that on the contrary, it is positive, cheerful and creative. Freedom is made for love... Man desires love more than freedom: freedom is a means, love is an end."

New Advent, the Catholic Encyclopedia, lists two characteristics of love (or charity), the third of the greatest attributes described by St. Paul, as”

·       Its origin is by Divine infusion as Romans 5 says that “the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us”. Therefore, we can only give love if we know the love of God.

·       It is seated in the human will. Although love/charity is at times intensely emotional, and frequently reacts on our sensory faculties, still it properly resides in the rational will

C.S. Lewis defined four types of love: agape (the kind of love Christ is and lived and taught), storge (natural affection or liking), eros (natural sexual desire) and philia (natural human friendship). All natural loves are good; but supernatural love, the love that God is, agape, is the greatest thing in the world. CatholicCulture.org notes that agape is not a feeling as agape comes from God as its ultimate source while feelings come from us. Agape comes from God as is accepted actively by our free choice, that is, agape is an act of the will. It is this agape love for which humans are to strive.

Love according to the Bible:

·   Galatians 5:22-23 – In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

·    1 John 4:7-8 – Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love.

·       1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

FEELINGS AND PASSIONS

New Advent, the Catholic Encylopedia, explores the ‘sensitive appetite’ as described by St Thomas Aquinas. The appetitus sensitivus follows sense-cognition and is necessitated by the sense-apprehension of a concrete thing as pleasant and useful.

CCC 1763 states that “feelings or passions are emotions or movements of the sensitive appetite that incline us to act or not to act in regard to something felt or imagined to be good or evil.” According to CCC 1767, “passions are neither good nor evil. They are morally qualified only to the extent that they effectively engage reason and will.” CCC 1768 states that “Passions are morally good when they contribute to a good action, evil in the opposite case. The upright will order the movements of the senses it appropriates to the good and to beatitude; an evil will succumbs to disordered passions and exacerbates them. Emotions and feelings can be taken up into the virtues or perverted by the vices.” CCC 1770 states that moral perfection consists in man's being moved to the good not by his will alone, but also by his sensitive appetite. This means that a morally perfect man does good not only because he knows it is good and is able to control his passions but he does good simply because his passions wish to do that thing which is good.

New Advent goes on to explain that the sensitive appetite in man is under the control of the will and can be strengthened or checked by the will's determination. This control, however, is not absolute, for the sensitive appetite depends on organic conditions, which are not regulated by reason. Frequently, also, owing to its suddenness or intensity, the outburst of passion cannot be repressed. On the other hand, the sensitive appetite exerts a strong influence on the will, both because the passions modify organic conditions and thus influence all cognitive faculties, and because their intensity may prevent the mind from applying itself to the higher operations of intellect and will. 

WHY DID GOD GIVE US BODIES?

God made human-beings a body-soul composite, that is, a human being is both body and soul. St. John Paul II said that “the body and it alone has the ability to make visible the invisible, the spiritual and divine.” We know that humans were made for love. Father Mike Schmitz, in his video “Why God Gave Us Bodies”, says that our deepest identity is to love and that our body has a language. As such, he says, a human being will either tell the truth or lies with the body. When we use another person, we are telling a lie with our body.

What we do with our bodies matters; we may be saying something with our bodies without realizing. This is why soul ties are created during fornication. An act which is meant to signify the free, total, faithful and fruitful giving of spouses to one another in marriage is being conducted outside of marriage. With the body, a person who fornicates is telling a lie by saying that he gives himself totally to the other person.

Jesus came to restore the brokenness that came with the fall. When He died on the cross, He spoke the truth with His body. He gave Himself completely for us, and this was evidenced in His body being completely given up as well. “This is my body, which will be given up for you.” Jesus was self-giving, even to the extent that He gave us His Holy Spirit, which would give us the grace and strength to live the way He did. This Holy Spirit would also untwist that within us which has been twisted by sin, thereby restoring our relationship with God which had been destroyed. It also restores our relationship with other people and, to some degree, the inner integrity we were made to have.

WHAT IS A VOCATION?

“The most beautiful thing in this world is to be led by the hand of God.  Not going at it alone when we pursue our interests and goals, but rather taking it on together with Someone who knows and loves us.  Not building my life alone, but in a loving and trusting communion with God, the One who knows us better than we know ourselves, who created us with infinite tenderness and who knows which path will lead us to happiness and fruitfulness.” - Father Philippe (Community of the Beatitudes, Discerning Your Vocation. A Catholic Guide for Young Adults.)

The word “vocation” comes from the Latin “vocare” which means “to call”. God calls or invites each person to a particular vocation: single life, marriage, priesthood or consecrated life. CatholicCulture.org defines “vocation” as “a call from God to a distinctive state of life, in which the person can reach holiness”. A vocation is the way God invites a person to love and give himself to others.  It is not simply the giving of one’s skills, services and expertise, but the giving of one’s whole self as a path to holiness. Although there is a beautiful diversity among vocations, at their heart each shares a common commitment to love.   As St John Paul II explained it, “Love is the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being” (Familiaris Consortio, 11).

MARRIAGE AS A VOCATION

Father Mike Schmitz proposes that there is no one person in the world to whom, once we get married, we will be perfectly fulfilled and happy. He says the marriage is not about finding the one person who will make us maximally and optimally happy. Rather, he says marriage is the place where good people go to die to themselves out of love for someone to become the person they were called to be and to help their spouse become the person they were called to be. He says that marriage is not about self-fulfillment but rather about self-donation. He points out that the one person we were made for and who will bring us perfect fulfillment is Jesus. He is the one for whom we must live. - Adapted from ‘Will I Ever Find “The One”?’ by Ascension Presents

Pope Pius XI in his encyclical, Casti Connubii, showed that the divine plan for marriage has principally three goods: the raising up of children for the worship of God; for the sanctification of the spouses and their attainment of salvation; and as a remedy for concupiscence.  

Marriage involves a call from God and a response from two people who promise to build, with the help of divine grace, a lifelong, intimate and sacramental partnership of love and life. A husband and wife give themselves to each other without reservation, promising to love each other freely, truly, faithfully and fruitfully for the rest of their lives, sharing their joys and sufferings in whatever circumstances life brings them. They express their love through their sexual union, which brings them together in the closest intimacy and opens them to the gift of new life.

In Amoris Laetitia, Pope Francis writes:

“Marriage is a vocation, inasmuch as it is a response to a specific call to experience conjugal love as an imperfect sign of the love between Christ and the Church. Consequently, the decision to marry and to have a family ought to be the fruit of a process of vocational discernment (no. 72).”

In the vocation of marriage – something which “is written in the very nature of man and woman,” we see that “the love of husband and wife becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves” (CCC 1603 and 1604). The love shown between a Christian husband and wife becomes a sign of the radical love shown by Christ in his life, death and resurrection.

The sacrament of marriage transforms the natural and God-given call to marriage to something far, far deeper – a joyful and costly call to follow Christ and to give one’s life in love, in the context of marriage and family. In this sacrament, God gives to us the specific grace which is “intended to perfect a couple’s love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity.” When a couple worthily receives the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, they are granted sanctifying grace with the pledge for actual graces which will give the couple supernatural strength to fulfill the daily duties of their new life. 

By this grace, God enables spouses to “help one another attain holiness in their married life and in welcoming and educating their children.” Christian marriage is not just an expression of human affection, it is a sacrament of the love of Christ, a way for husband and wife to minister to each other and to their children, and to lead them to heaven. And in this way the Christian family becomes a place where others can see the beauty and power of Christ’s redeeming love, a love that is often obscured in our fallen world.

St. Thomas says, "The greater the friendship is, the more solid and long-lasting it will be. Now, there seems to be the greatest friendship between husband and wife, for they are united not only in the act of fleshly union, which produces a certain gentle association even among beasts, but also in the partnership of the whole range of domestic activity."

When discerning a vocation to marriage, what begins as attraction must deepen into conviction and commitment. Those who are called to the married life should be ready to learn what their vocation means and to acquire the virtues and skills needed for a happy and holy marriage.

INTIMACY IN A MARRIAGE

CCC 1604 says that “man is created in the image and likeness of God who is himself love. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man. It is good, very good, in the Creator's eyes.” 

According to the Theology of the Body, in the union of man and woman, is most truly revealed the divine plan for human love. We are designed to be united, man and woman, in a total gift of self, forming something new.

The marital union, the two-becoming-one-flesh, is the gift of one self to another. The man gives all of himself to his spouse, holding nothing back; she receives him and gives her whole self to him in return. This mutual self-gift is so potent that it bears fruit: a family.

When we contemplate the total self-giving love of spouses, one for the other, we can see a faint reflection of the family life of God. God is a community of persons, the Father loving the Son, holding nothing back; the Son receiving that love and returning it, holding nothing back. The eternal symphony of love between them, we call the uncreated Holy Spirit. The Trinity is, in a sense, a family, a communion of persons. John Paul II goes on to say that conjugal union itself is meant to be a sign of God’s desire for complete union with us (which is intimate, though not sexual). 

Recall that we listed the third function of marriage as ‘a remedy for concupiscence’. It pertains to the disordered soul of man, after the Fall of Adam and Eve. It is the beastly aspect of our nature that makes us lust and desire sexual pleasure in abstraction from the begetting of children. It is absolutely necessary that these urges be suppressed and restrained until we are morally able to fulfill them. The remedy of concupiscence should properly be the third purpose of marriage, not the main focus of the sexual act; if it were, it could easily lead to fornication and adultery.

When kept within marriage, however, spouses engage in the sexual act not to solely produce offspring, although that is or at least should be the main reason for sexual union, but also to express their mutual love and to satisfy the sex urges that are common to mankind since the fall of Adam and Eve.  It is absolutely necessary, therefore, for the remedy of concupiscence not to be the primary motive of engaging in the sexual act. 

 If one of the parties is merely desiring to be with his or her spouse out of concupiscence but yet would not ever go to another person who is not their spouse, he or she would be guilty of a venial sin. If one of the parties is willing to seek a remedy for his concupiscence from another not his spouse, he is guilty of a mortal sin. If nature is guided by reason, the act will be virtuous and if it is not, the marriage act will not be virtuous but in fact, an act of lust.

Quotes from the Theology of the Body:

·       “As ministers of a sacrament [spouses] are called to express the mysterious ‘language’ of their bodies in all truth that properly belongs to it. Through gestures and reactions, through the whole…dynamism of tension and enjoyment—whose direct source is the body in its masculinity and femininity, the body in its action and interaction—through all this man, the person, ‘speaks’…Precisely on the level of this ‘language of the body’…man and woman reciprocally express themselves in the fullest and most profound way made possible for them by…their masculinity and feminity”

·       The “words themselves, ‘I take you as my wife/as my husband’…can only be fulfilled by conjugal intercourse.” Here “we pass to the reality that corresponds to these words”.

·       “How important it is to live our sexuality in a way which upholds and affirms the other person! Indeed, the true lover will never use another person or treat her as a means to an end.”

DATING AND COURTSHIP

This is what Our Quest for Happiness says about courtship: “The purpose of company-keeping or steady dating, or courtship as it is also called, is to allow a man and a woman to get acquainted with one another and to enable them to learn how they are adapted to one another mentally and temperamentally, so that they can decide whether they should marry one another or not.”

The following is taken from a recount by a student who attended the seminar “What is Courtship?” with Jared and Rhonda Ortiz, the first seminar in a three-week seminar series hosted by the St. Benedict Institute.

“The first night was titled, “What is Courtship?” and lead by Dr. Jared Ortiz and Rhonda Ortiz. They described courtship as a “script that prepares for life together” and that through proper courtship, as opposed to the vague and undefined “relationships” that exist in today’s world, couples can practice the friendship and mutual giving that is essential in marriage and family life. For men, courtship is the turning of his desires from lust into love. Being able to turn away from lust allows them to discern whether the woman he is pursuing will make a good wife and mother. Women in courting relationships need to learn if the man is worthy of esteem, if he will make a good husband and father.”

The fundamental purpose of dating is to find a spouse. Dating is a process of discernment that requires strength and selflessness. When we do enter into relationships, we should allow wisdom to chaperone romance. The process of courting or “honest dating” is something that can only happen between two mature individuals who have serious and pure intentions.

These are some of the principles of courtship: ask God’s blessing at the beginning of a relationship; enter it with direction, toward discerning marriage; involve the families; be accountable to others; pace yourselves as you spend time together; and always listen for the Lord’s guidance.

VIRTUES OF TEMPERANCE

According to Divine Intimacy by Father Gabriel of St Mary Magdalen, O.C.D., the simplest definition of temperance is “the virtue which moderates in us the inordinate desire for sensible pleasure, keeping it within the limits assigned by reason and faith.” It is the virtue which bridles concupiscence or which controls the yearning for pleasures and delights which most powerfully attract the human heart.  

Before the Fall, all of the physical senses were in complete harmony and controlled by reason. But after sin entered the picture, all of the physical senses, by nature good and healthy, were unleashed and were no longer controlled by reason. Sin has produced in us the great discord by which the inferior part tends to rebel against the superior, and craves that which is contrary to the spirit. Our powers of self-mastery were lost, and we began to drift naturally to unhealthy excess in the pursuit of physical pleasure. The virtue of temperance, on the other hand, takes our wildly free senses and pulls them back into control, harnessing them with the reigns of reason.

The only real way to become temperate is through prayer and self-denial. The point of this is not just a joyless self-denial, but rather a positive learning of self-control that will teach us to enjoy less more.

Although this virtue is a check, it has not only a negative task, to temper, restrain, and moderate the disordered love of pleasure, but it has also a positive one: that of regulating our passions and permitting us to use our senses in perfect harmony with the requirements of the Spirit, in such a way that they do not disturb our spiritual life. In this way temperance, together with grace and the other virtues, heals and elevates our nature by re-establishing in us the harmony which was destroyed by sin.

CHASTITY

Chastity is a subordinate virtue of temperance. CCC 2337 defines chastity as “the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which man's belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman.”

According to CCC 2339, chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. Man's dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint.

CCC 2347 says that the virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship and is expressed notably in friendship with one's neighbor. Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all. It leads to spiritual communion.

Chastity as a part of temperance regulates the sensual satisfactions connected with the propagation of the human species. The contrary vice is lust. As these pleasures appeal with the special vehemence to human nature, it is the function of chastity to impose the norm of reason. Thus it will decide that they are altogether to be refrained from in obedience to a higher vocation or at any rate only availed of with reference to the purposes of marriage.

Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love. Chastity frees their association, including marital intercourse, from that tendency to use a person…and by so freeing it introduces into their life together and their sexual relationship a special disposition to loving kindness.

We are drawn more quickly and more powerfully to the other person’s sexual values (their masculinity/femininity and their bodies) than we are to their true value as a person. Because of original sin, we don’t automatically experience authentic, self-giving love for a person of the opposite sex, but a feeling muddied by a longing to enjoy.

Chastity means that a person surrenders his or her sexual passions to the will and design of God.  It means that one’s sexual desires are ordered to the good of another and expressed properly within each relationship. Chastity means that one’s human sexual passions are not selfish; rather, they become selfless, not seeking enjoyment for themselves but seeking the good of the other and expressing the love of God to others through their human hearts. We need chastity because love should always involve an attitude that affirms sincerely the worth of a person.

CCC 2520 identifies chastity as one of the qualities of those who are “pure in heart”. True purity of heart enables us to “see God” in the sense that we see clearly.  The confusion and distortion of our many desires is clarified and purified.  It means that we love God first and, in that love of God, we also learn to love our neighbor as we ought.  We love others with a pure and holy heart.

Chastity is about honouring your sexuality in all things: what you watch, listen to, how you dress, and talk. It is a way of living out holiness.

EMOTIONAL CHASTITY

Emotional chastity basically means “using the virtue of prudence when considering the sentimental side of your interactions with the opposite sex”. More accurately, when we speak of not practicing “emotional chastity,” we mean allowing our emotions to have too great a hold on us.

There are two types of attraction, sensual attraction and sentimental attraction. Sensual attraction has to do with the material value of a person, what we find physically attractive about them. Sentimental attraction has to do with the non-material value of a person, what we find emotionally attractive about them. Both of these types of attraction can spark in us the instant we meet someone or grow with time and they are both necessary for attraction to turn into love.

Neither type of attraction is bad. The problem arises when these types of attraction are not directed by the virtues and run the risk of turning into use. As Christians we often address how we can use each other for physical pleasure, but what we don’t address is how we can use each other for emotional pleasure.

Emotional “chastity”, like physical chastity, also requires a discipline of mind. Just as we can sexually fantasize about a person in our mind we can emotionally fantasize about a person as well. The best way to describe this is “mental stalking.” It’s that game we can play where we think and daydream about a person almost incessantly.

In the end these two types of attraction are so interconnected it’s difficult to separate them. So, if we want to be people of sexual integrity, we must start with being people of emotional integrity because where our hearts go our bodies want to follow. If our emotions are saying, “I love this person, I want to give everything to them and be as close to them as I can,” then our bodies will want to manifest these emotions in a physical way. In its proper place (marriage) this is a good thing, but outside of marriage, broken hearts follow. If we want to be physically chaste, we need to begin by being emotionally… prudent.

Emotional attraction needs emotional purity to develop into authentic emotional love and physical attraction needs physical chastity to develop into authentic physical love. If we can get these two types of attraction right we are well on our way to finding true, lasting love, which is what those who struggle with emotionally using someone are in search of in the first place.

CHASTITY IN DATING

The key Church teaching on chastity is found in the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), "Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes." (CCC 2351) The unitive purpose implies the celebration of the existing marital love covenant. In other words, sexual pleasure may be sought only in marriage. If an activity is by its nature highly stimulating, then it belongs only in marriage. This would include French kissing and touching sensitive areas of the body.

To be chaste in dating is to not allow those things to happen that pertain to the bodies of each other that only a husband and wife have the "rights" to give each other in marriage. In marriage, a woman gives one man "rights" to her body for a lifetime, and the man does the same for that one woman. It is an exchange of rights to their bodies for those purposes in marriage.

Biblically, there isn’t any talk of ‘dating’ or ‘engagement,’ there’s only married or not – so until someone is a spouse, he or she is a brother or sister in the Lord, and needs to be treated with purity. “How far is too far?” is the wrong question. This is like saying “How far can I go until I do something that will harm the other person or myself?” True love is choosing what is best for the other despite the cost to myself. 

Pope John Paul II defined love as “gift” and the opposite of love as “use”. When we use another person we fail to see them as a true human, but more as an object for our own selfishness. To ask “how far is too far” is to risk using another person. A better question might be – “how close to God can I bring this person?” or “how can I guard this person from harm?”

Another way to re-phrase the question might be to ask “where is the line between sin and not sinning?” While all sexual activity (not just intercourse) outside of marriage is sinful, lust is also sinful. This is the deeper issue. When we have a control of what is going on in our hearts, then we will easily see where the line is drawn and will do all we can to avoid even approaching it. You might ask yourself if you would act the same way if Jesus (or grandma) was sitting next to you.

Pope John Paul II wrote, "...pressing another person to one's breast, embracing him, putting one's arms around him... certain forms of kissing. These are active displays of tenderness [or affection]." Pope John Paul distinguished very clearly between this affection and satisfying one's sensuality. He went on to say, "Of course a need to satisfy the demands of sentiment [emotional love], makes itself felt, but it is fundamentally different from the need to appease sensuality. [Emotional love] concentrates more on the 'human being', not on the 'body and sex,' and its immediate aim is not enjoyment', but the 'feeling of nearness'.

The pope spoke of a need for "educating [in affection]." Affection calls for "vigilance" so that it not become just a form of "sensual and sexual gratification." He stated clearly, "There can be no genuine [affection] without a perfected habit of continence, which has its origin in a will always ready to show loving kindness, and so overcome the temptation merely to enjoy..."

Affectionate kissing can be a way of manifesting a feeling of nearness, especially if it is brief. Prolonged kissing, even if done in a tender, affectionate way, is a way of enjoying each other, more than communicating nearness or solidarity. Furthermore, it is likely that the man (at least) will get aroused and seek to extend the arousal. This seeking, of course, would be sinful by the Catechism.

But even if he (or she) were not to pursue the continued arousal, prolonged kissing shifts the emphasis from giving to taking (even if not sexual), which is not a good preparation for successful marriage. Taking, as opposed to receiving, is fundamentally selfish. Prolonged kissing is what might be called recreational kissing. It doesn't contribute to a deeper knowledge of the other, which should be the point in courtship. Even if it didn’t result in seeking sexual pleasure (which is unlikely) it’s not in line with the purpose of courtship.

Here is a good test to check whether a selfish preoccupation with your own passions (masqueraded as love) has crept into your friendship. Take one of those evenings together when some unforeseen circumstance causes a premature ending to your time together, and as a result there was no physical intimacy. Be honest: did you feel cheated, as if it were a wasted evening? If so, passion has eclipsed the friendship, the physical has eclipsed the personal.

Questions to ask when determining whether or not to perform an act:

1.     Are we performing this act out of affection or for the purposes of arousal?

2.     Can we perform this act in public (or in front of a priest, young child or relatives)?

3.     Are we choosing true love (wanting what is best for the other person despite the cost to myself) or just the feeling of love which comes and goes?

4.     Is the act motivated by what feels good for you, or by a desire to give affection?

5.     Are we fully in control of our passions or do we wish to perform this act out of a strong urge or need?

6.     Is this act stirring up desires in either person to do more or regret that further actions cannot be taken?

7.     Is this act best for our holiness? Will it lead us to heaven or the confessional?

Jackie Francois Angel, in the video “How Far Is Too Far?” by Ascension Presents, says that until a couple is married, they always have to act as though there is the chance that they may not actually get married. For example, they may be called to marry someone else or to a different vocation altogether. She says, therefore, that in dating, we are called to protect the other person and their body, always keeping in mind that their body is not yet ours. She says that by asking the question “How far is too far?” we are asking “How far can I go with someone else’s future spouse or a future priest or a future nun?” Rather, we should be able to feel proud that, should that person get married to someone else or choose a different vocation, we were able to protect their bodies for the purpose to which they were actually called. She says that, even if we are sure we will marry this person, we have to act in this way until actually getting married.

Consider, for example, your partner in a previous relationship. What things would it make you uncomfortable to think of your partner doing with a past boyfriend or girlfriend? Or consider yourself in a previous relationship. What things do you regret doing with an ex-partner that you wish you would only ever have done with your future husband or wife? These are the things we should refrain from doing in a dating relationship, only becoming intimate with our partner in these ways when they have been joined to us in matrimony.

Practical tips for chastity in dating:

1.     Avoid temptation – The journey to living chastity is about making choices that will allow you to live in freedom, not be enslaved to temptation. It’s important to know our limits. So avoid movies/ sexting/ flirting that sexually stirs you, using alcohol and late nights in tempting locations. Also, try to put yourself in interruptible situations.

2.   Avoid the near occasions of sin. – Concretely, it boils down to this: when spending time alone together, do not spend it on your own. Be together publicly – parks, malls, other social settings.

3.    Become good friends. – A good relationship begins with a good friendship. How can you say you love someone if you don’t know them? You may find someone very attractive but beyond that attraction, who is that person? Friendship is a beautiful path to walk along. Learn to be a good friend first.

4.   Stay Balanced – Do not develop an inappropriate emotional dependency on each other. This may sound strange — after all, you are in love, are you not? Yes, but with a kind of “all-out dependency,” that love quickly degenerates into a sentimental attachment that actually prevents you from really getting to know each other. When cupid’s arrow strikes, it is easy to dive into the other person, or spend every waking hour of the day mentally stalking them. We are made to worship. However, the challenge is not making an idol out of that person. Only God can complete us, so stay balanced.

5.     Share your values and come to an agreement together. – Being Catholic implies living a life of chastity. Living chastely is not just abstaining from sex, but truly knowing who you are as a man or as a woman. Chastity is using your sexuality in the right way. Set specific physical boundaries and communicate them as “I want to stay chaste” does not help when you have no idea what that looks like. Set yourself up for success, so that you both are on the same page.

6.   Get to know their family and their friends (and vice-versa). Spend time together with other people. – Often when a relationship starts and especially when the physical side enters in, the couple tends to isolate themselves and they begin to live in a world of their own illusions. In this way you lose objectivity, you only know one side of things, and it is obviously insincere for someone who lives chastely to always be alone with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Other people are witnesses of the existence of each of us and are good reference points, especially when you are getting to know someone.

7.     Trust in God. Don’t forget your spiritual life. – The virtue of chastity is lived from the hand of God. Receive the Sacraments often, build a relationship with God. Make your life a prayer. Chastity is a road worth walking. A chaste marriage, in which the couple were able to wait so that they could give of themselves completely and for the rest of their lives is a really beautiful gift. The wounds of a disordered life cause real pain and risks to a future marriage, and although God will have indeed forgiven you and even given you the grace of having a chaste marriage, there are many things which don’t disappear – memories which may wound you, impede your receptivity to your spouse, and weigh you down. . You can work on developing that virtue of purity by which the mind and heart are made clean of lust. With God’s grace, and with the help of the sacraments, young people can get their minds “out of the gutter” as it were. There is an enormous freedom in not being bound to impure thoughts.

8.     Pray together. – Mutual prayer will remind you of your purpose and strengthen your resolve. It will help you celebrate your successes and mourn your slip ups. Not to mention, when you pray together, God will shower you with grace, which will help you along your journey.

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